Domestic Violence: How to Keep yourself Safe as a Woman

 By Fadaka O' Adetu

The media has been on fire with the recent case of the Ghanaian pastor that murdered his wife in the US. Domestic violence especially in the 21st century is taking a new form in the sense that the victim could be trapped and helpless in a bid to fit into the social norm of the 21st century. Violence in any form and at any level is totally unnecessary and usually in most cases leaves both the oppressor and the victim somewhat broken. As a lady or woman, you need to understand that holding on tight to your abuser is not love; it is a helpless bondage you have refused to acknowledge. Love is rich in mercy and forgiveness. Love is kind and will not bring you destructive pain.  Do not allow yourself to be blinded to the point where you are unable to draw the line and identify when your life is being threatened. There is no better way to put this ‘any man who can abuse you can do the unthinkable’. The abuser is in most cases dealing with deeply seated emotional issues and that need to be address or seek help. It is natural to want to protect the man you love and help him heal but should not be at the expense of your own life. If he can abuse you for the second time, he will do it again and again. You do not wait till when the ship becomes submerged before you jump off. He might have promised never to abuse you again and that he has changed. So what are some of the signs that show he is not changing or not ready to change?

He will tell you the abuse is not as serious as you make it to look e.g pushing you out of the way but not slap you

He will not take responsibility for his action- He enjoys blaming others for his behavior

He leverage on using emotional bias to get sympathy from you, your kids, family and even friends

He thinks he is doing you a favor by seeking help

These are some of the signs you should watch out for. You can only help a man who is ready and willing. Remember the saying that ‘you can only force a horse to the stream but you cannot force the horse to drink water’.

So how do you as a woman keep yourself safe and get disentangled from a domestic violence relationship? Sometimes you might find yourself in a situation where you need time to get out; here are the things you should know

1.       1. Identify the trigger of your abuser: It is important you know the things that get your abuser upset. The trigger could be a person, word, past events or even food. You could also be the trigger for him in several ways. It is in your best interest to avoid those things till you are able to get yourself out.

2.     2. Mark out the safe place in the house: When your abuser is having his moment or upset, he can become uncontrollable. You need to identify a safe place in the house where you can hide and keep yourself secure till help arrive. It can be at the basement, safe locker, garage etc.

3.      3. Have a unique sign of communication: You should have a sign or symbol that can let people who are close to you know you are in danger. Your kids, friends and family can also know this sign.  

4.      4. Have contact: There are several agencies, security and institutions that are out there and ready to help you. Get in touch with them as soon as possible. Save their numbers on your phone with a different name. Delete all calls and clean up your recycle bin after you are done contacting these institutions for help.

5.       5. Get out once the opportunity shows up: The moment you get the slightest opportunity to escape, do so and save your life.

NB: Not all men are abuser and men can also be the victim of abuse.

I hope you find this short article useful and I will love to read your comment from the comment session below. Thank you